I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
