I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
