Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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