just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
