Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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