i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
