update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
