I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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