And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
