My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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