when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
