I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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