Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
