I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
