The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
