fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
