I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
