well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
