Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
