Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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