Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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