Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
