this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
