she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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