: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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