i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just forgot I was standing up.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
