Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
