That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
