no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
