I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
