the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
