worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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