he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
