at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
