Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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