My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
