tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize