He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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