I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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