dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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