apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
