you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
