So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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