lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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