Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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