Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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