I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.