my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
