He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
