we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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