I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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