Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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