I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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