The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
