I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i think my cat just said my name.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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