Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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