Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
