I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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