did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
