I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
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