Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
