My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize